Welcome to the Internet’s least visited independent thoughts on wellness and decentralised nutritional experiences. Please spare yourself a little time by watching the public impartiality request before proceeding.
Ten years ago, on 31st of December at 11:45 PM, I placed my very first, physical printed book on order for what was back then the former brand and title of this initiative. Humility through frugality.
I’d like to share some retrospeective. First part here as summary, then next as ten (10) lessons I’ve learned.
As well wishes message in a bottle (and in advance) – I wish you all well, and here’s (hopefully) for another five years check point.
Live-It-Forward,
AW
Summary
Let me begin by way of admission. I don’t speak highly of myself.
As to why ~ necessitates some history and context what started all of this.
1/4
The very first beginnings. 2014-2016.
“Influencers”. That very word can be somehat cringe or helpful, depending on what angle you perceive.
For a very long time, people expect monumental “rags to riches” story when it comes sharing how they become such an “influencer”. Audiences never, I’d wager – would like to see this happen by “accident”. “Famous” that is – by accident.
So often – learning other people’s history, their framework so to speak, is central to all this. And to do so, requires some degrees of conviction. For example: “Rags to riches”.
Mine, however, is hardly one that flatters. Because my life (at least thus far) wasn’t built around “shock factors”. Money, unemployment and health worries were my reasons as “excuses”.
“Influencers”, and/or “self-help” channels meanwhile for that matter, have this exceedingly Darwinian view of survivor of the fittest. The very word “excuses” after all are weaklings. For quite sometime, this entire “Self-Help” industry has become something I tend to view with part sympathy but part ~ skepticism.
So what’s wrong with “them” or “all this” race? I must admit – there’s very little I could “critique”. At least, on a surface.
The entire digital ecosystem we live today, amongst our Social Media feeds ~ only displays filtered judgments ~ from the heuristic majority. As result, some stories get picked and judged as exceptional. Because well, simply – one’s experience was or has been – “exceptional” (or so they thought, as they deny themselves other wise by “humble bragging”).
I have not been worse enough, in this case, to warrant attention. I have not been good enough either, to warrant validation.
“Unemployment” ~ doesn’t seem like a big deal. Nobody acknowledges this enough as though ageism, nepotism, name discrimination, job scams, talent-theft (free pitching, trial projects) are “worse” enough. Health problems? So as long as I’m not in a wheelchair, I’m considered “fine”. No matter how much I try to convince, that I do have what I call “non-communicable diseases.”
For context, I have been using a very unconventional, “third person” method when addressing myself in front of the camera ~ as “This Author”. At least temporarily. Reason: I need some way of coping, from depression and anxiety – via deliberate identity disassociation. For more details, please read here.
People don’t seem to tolerate the “middle class” of any struggles behind the screen. Unless deemed “pathological” or “severe” enough, by the (majority heuristic again). This, what I have been referring to as Survivorship Bias.
Sure, I had legitimate propositions within my channel. “Mindfulness”. Humble eating. Followed by “frugal” eating plans. But that as utility, soon wears off as just yet another pity soap opera.
Then, there’s credibility scrutiny. Just because one is educated enough to share “science” despite my industry being polar opposite– I always get questioned by my worth in “Degrees”. I never proclaim to know, to speak over others profession.
But why is my “experience”, stance, viewpoint, or initiative to do and share my own research ~ be considered any lesser than that of a dietician? Since when one needs a permission for self critical thinking?
I could perhaps write something about the AS / Anyklosing Spondylitis considering the confirmed positive test that I do have a HLA-B27 following disc injury (L4/5/S1). But that, as I am thankful enough that it did not warrant their severity enough for me (at least not yet) ~ warrants putting myself front and centre as a “campaign”. That would be grossly immoral to those who do have the legitimate progression of the disease. Hence I decided to keep a low profile on this.
I kept on trusting myself anyway to keep journalling my thoughts on nutrition, conscientiously.
From what was mostly a series of articles (back when I had my Squarespace® site), slowly morphed to a questions meet answers mini book. Hand-bound, laser printed pocket “draft” in 2015.
A nightmare certainly from DIY perspective. Atrociously bad ~ writing wise too.
Never mind that, I decided to double, triple, quadruple effort into it. Whilst still under long-term unemployment and under strain of freelancing instability.
Fast forward in 31st of December 2015, the first “full” 200 page book – landed at my door step as Blurb® test print run. Perfect-bound, printed no less than a few copies.
That ~ was only the beginning.
The official need for rebrand
“This would never have been passable.”. “Nobody would read this.”. Self doubt / impostor syndrome reels in.
I kept going rewriting and revising where and when opportunity allow back then anyway. Despite six years or so amidst my own job and careers crisis. Depression and anxiety in the bacgkround. Family gaslighting & guilt tripping? Plenty.
Then, in 2021 a sombre realisation emerged. I realised that throughout all this time, my initiative’s entire theme are at odds with its own existential identity.
“Eating well”, within themes of frugality, whilst simultaneously also challenging antiquated view(s) in nutrition science and wellness – were in many ways, conflicting. Especially with the communally shared notion of “Humility”. After all, eating “frugally” is already synonymous to eating the “humble pie”.
I decided it’d be best to rebrand this entire initiative to elsewhere more “progressive”. The tug-of-war, tribalism like mentality amongst dieting, nutrition circles could be at times, a little too much too anyway. And I felt convinced, (for yet another time) – as another reason – of sharing my thoughts in all of this.
Hence I would like to rebrand this all as the unspoken remaining undertone; beneath every “health” or “fitness” success stories there is. Scientific Individuality; through frugality, and daring self-experimentations.
As of 2023 onwards, I have decided to remove the downloadable book altogether from the main site.
And that as per history suggested was that.
Still incomplete. Work in progress.
2/4
My circumstances
So, throughout all my ten years – I shared what I could and have known on the unorthodoxies of nutritional methods. From handling expired foods to now – comfortably intermittent fasts for 20+ hours (almost) daily. Seven years ongoing.
Here are a little bite sized pieces objectively (before I shall save the bigger lessons – on another section).
One – people need to realise that health is selfishly personal. I would dare say the word “Healthy” is extremely insidious. The correct replacement would be “Relevance”.
The devil amidst all “advice”, after all, lies is in the details of how it relates to the viewer, the reader, the patient.
“You” ~ get to know and must know your own ~ demons and/or “shadow-work” as what Carl Jung call it – getting to know both your good and bad sides is crucial. Cheat days to starvation days. Rarely in the fitness world one fully admits (or submits to this). Maintaining a performative, attractive facade is after all the skin of the game. The question is how do you cope? Simple, you must have a bad side you must reconcile on your own.
Two – learning a little about methylation and genetics. If there is one thing I took for granted was Nutrigenomics. The amount of knowledge handed to me in my 2022 report was quite significant that I encourage others to save up and invest for their own reporting likewise.
MTHFR and COMT mutations? Yes I have them. Methylation is still a topic I am still exploring their nuances.
Three – again with my insistence on relevance? Food intolerances (FODMAPs). This applies to almost everybody. Xylitols and erithrytol in 99% of stevia products GUARANTEE gut pains and dissensions galore; throughout all fasting windows. Including topics on fibre – as love and hate topic ~ have me neither convinced that less or more is better to me psychologically and physiologically.
Four – animal based centric nutrition is still undeniably….necessary.
So what remained consistent? Eggs and gelatinous cuts of meats shoulders, legs, etc. Alongside their heavy fluids too, from pressure cooking as I find dry(er) foods less satiating. But I still enjoy simpler life surrounding microwaved minced meats with sauerkraut ~ hot, cold and salty together actually works wonders during uncomfortably hot summer days. Sardines, thankfully remains as the most affordable source of marine PUFA N3.
Of course nothing in health and fitness tabloid is complete about use of supplements.
My stance on this is go “wide” when you are young, then minimise as you grow old. Gone are the days of my fixating on micro specifics. But I still take them but occasionally as insurance policies. Betaine HCL + pepsin, few No-tropics – Gingko and ALCAR and anything fat solubles non negotiable – Vitamin D, E, K2 and COQ10. Minerals wise – on top of potassium chloride and magnesium flakes (I no longer think expensive chelates are worth it) – Zinc ~ as be an insurance policy against excess copper.
3/4
Looking back ~ on my feature videos
Is there anything worth reflecting? Yes. Though only very few.
“Utopia as Dystopia?” was my very first attempt at viral video essay in the hope for additional views to my channel. Harsh and as (fittingly) objective realisation of the world at the time, but I posited on things we can do, at least from nutrition perspective.
Then, there’s the three part expired foods guide. This was, I admit, an extremely draining series where I had to seek and provide as many citations on the Science behind expired foods. Despite its own problems ~ the lighting / how I set up the scene for instance, what matters is its message.
Then, there’s frugal protein recommendations, and day in the life(s) – including refeed days. But none as meaningful as what I made for in the hope that it can help someone one out there.
4/4
On feature article side of things.
My thoughts on the Mouse Utopia / Universe 25 experiment, defenitely stood out. With so many rewritings for grammar and readability*, this was my first emotionally-charged and “raw” so-to-speak ~ thought disclosures.
223 / Two hundred and thirty two revisions (for Part one). 173 / One hundred and seventy-three revisions (for Part two).
For the unacquainted – in late 1960s (very fittingly amidst rising cultural phenomenon(s) at the time ~ “Make room! Make room!” and “Soylent Green”) ~ John Calhoun, a behavioural scientist working for National Mental Institute of Health (NIMH) at the time – conducted a famous experiment to see the effects of overcrowding in as pragmatic timeframe as possible. Of course, that required animal models. Lasting between July 1968 to May 1973 – he built a “world” for mice where everything is as “perfectly” maintained a possible. From climate, temperature, with absolute miracle/s of all – no predators, and unlimited food and water. In one giant “apartment” complex.
So what I did I learn? A lot. There were so much I could reflect, but here I’m only providing three points.
Firstly, I believe this correlates with many cultural niches of today, mainly affecting men. MGTOW, Red Pill, Black Pill, Incels, “Rice-cels”, “Gymcels” to name a few (and also “looksmaxxing” trend which exploded around late 2010s) . These, from my view, are legitimate coping mechanisms within the predominant social system currently (or arguably, if others may substantiate) at constant odds to each other. Any day can have me convinced we’re living in patriarchal dominant system. But the next? Looking through my Youtube feeds ~ shorts and dissertations on “men giving up”, “men walking away”, “exodus”, and “sex-tinction”. Not just from “disgruntled” individuals what tabloids would tell you, but academics included.
Next – might be considered contentious, as this involves questioning our faith. Yes, “Religion”. Look objectively at the world the mice live in, and infer what you will (or will not). Unlimited food. No predators. Perfectly maintained climate. Sanitation? All completely taken care of. The world was more than capable inhabit the population many times over. Yet the end of it all was a nightmare. “Where is our God, in all this?”. With mice – I wonder if there is a Bible for them they can recite (or cry out loud). Except – they cried in death and pain from all the scars and injuries of the “warring” tribes, (no joke).
Lastly, and this follows from above ~ is the study’s reflection on sex, gender roles including child rearing, beyond reproductive behaviours. Suffice to say ~ being male and attracted to the attractive(s) of the opposite sex ~ the entire experiment does in many ways reflect my personal observations ~ that it is a struggle more than ever, for one to just “simply be”. All I could ever want to achieve in life are three things. Privacy, secularity, and autonomy to appreciate all that I simply, well, “appreciate”. I’d wager it is our lack of empathy on the above movements I suggested as coping mechanism/s – from MGTOWs to Incel movements that it is natural for society to knee-jerk “You men need to grow up!”; than pausing to acknowledge (and for once, perhaps wearing) the involuntary shoes of men. The next profound correlation ~ looksmaxxing; corroborates the naivety behaviours seen among the Beautiful Ones (the last surviving mice, despite “beautiful” in their appearance). They were quite sobering to read however, as these mice died alone. I long speculated, that it is perhaps only a matter of time this mirrors our real life, perhaps if not already happening albeit unreported ~ among cultures we often look down upon. Hikkikomori, for instance.
Contentious indeed ~ but I have to end this just for now, for sake of decency.
Next feature writing that gels with me, to this day was my “thoughts on cooking”. I could also share these in some respect with my (neutral views) on Plant based / Veganism.
Then there was my personal, N=1 attempt at curating my own “meta-analysis”, drawn and subjected towards my own circumstances and condition surrounding the potentially lifelong – Ankylosing Spondylitis.
That led me to brief (but later forgettable,) obsessive research on Vitamin D then Vitamin A. These led me to concentrated mini projects on their own, that I dubbed together as “Self-Meta”. That is – “Meta” as in Greek for “With”, and together with “Self” – to metaphorize distillation of complexity, into one’s own introspection.
Sadly, that as much as I would like to learn the above feature has had to be discontinued. Because I could not spare additional time, considering my other Life at work, from morning to (almost the next early morning) as a performative front; just to keep a roof above me.
Conclusion (Part One)
If anyone has not yet “get” the message, the last ten years have gone too quickly for me to prove just how much work it takes, for one to “find our own selves” amidst sea of binary should or should-not(s).
I do not equate “Self-help” as anything straightforward or dare I say – logical “program” or “course” to help steer life “around” a series of checklists.
Why am I so critical of myself? Perhaps intellectual jealousy one hand, among “influencers” who have had things “figured out”.
Even if I am not “good”, by whatever standards or heuristics.
Nevertheless, welcome to the Internet’s least visited independent thoughts on nutrition, health and wellness.
Live-it-forward,
AW.